Who is your hardest boy?
Wherein a bar conversation turns into far too many words about the hardest boys
So in the JCVD starring vehicle Bloodsport men enter into a dick-showing1 contest called a Kumite. This elicited a conversation at the bar Sunday morning2 where we trying to decide our teams hardest boys, which, naturally led to who are our teams softest boys and therefore we also needed to have a conversation about our most precious boy.
So, in a not exhaustive list I have compiled the hardest, softest, and most precious boy from a variety of soccer teams. Again, this is not an exhaustive list, nor do I care about most of the teams, so if you care, please let me know where I am wrong. I appreciate feedback and criticism.3
So, without further ado, the most exhaustive list of hardest, softest, and most precious boys in soccer/football/futbol/whatever the fuck Australian call it.
Liverpool FC
Hardest Boy
So, obviously this is Virgil Van Dijk, but Andrew Robertson would like to enter the chat. I very specifically didn’t make any qualifiers on these superlatives, but I think you can’t be the Hardest Boy if you haven’t thrown a punch, you also can’t be Hardest Boy if you haven’t been punched. So VVD is the simple, easy choice for the red side of Liverpool, but let’s not hastely throw Robbo under the bus. He’s Scottish, so he’s definitely punched someone and been punched, probably at the same stag party, also probably over the same woman. But the big man VVD is the guy I want in the Kumite.
Softest Boy
With apologies to Wataru Endo, it’s Wataru Endo.
Most Precious Boy
See, this is a tough one. It could easily be Connor Bradley, but that’s probably most because he’s young, but he’s also a Northern Irishman so not so precious. Ultimately I went with Konate here. My criteria for MPB is rally about who I don’t want to see someone throw hands at.
FC St. Pauli
Hardest Boy
Eric Smith, A six-foot Swedish mother fucking Centerback, Could only be him, though Marcel Hartel might shiv a bitch.
Softest Boy
Daniel Eggestein.
Most Precious Boy
Jackson Irvine, if any of you motherfuckers even thinks about touching this heavenly man I will ask Marcel Hartel to shiv you.
Manchester City
Hardest Boy
Rodri, talk about a guy who’s been in a prison fight.
Softest Boy
Phil Foden. So Foden has definitely punched people and he’s definitely been punched, so theoretically he should be in the running for hardest boy, but he’s not, he’s Phil Foden. No one’s ever said “Phil Foden wants to fight me” and been scared, definition of soft boy!
Most Precious Boy
No one? Maybe Oscar Bobb, that kid seems nice.
Everton
Hardest Boy
Seamus Coleman looks like the actual ideation of a bar fight.
Softest Boy
Jordan Pickford, see Phil Foden above
Most Precious Boy
Dominic Calvert-Lewin, protect this man at all costs!
Minnesota United
Hardest Boy
Michael Boxall, step to the Kiwi at your own peril.
Softest Boy
Probably Dayne St. Claire, though you could make an argument for Fragapane, that guy is definitely a soft boy.
Most Precious Boy
It’s either Sang Bin or Bongi, probably SBJ, please don’t hurt either of them.
Jurrasic Park
Hardest Boy
Alan Grant, but only when he’s with Ellie Sattler
Softest Boy
Ian Malcolm, he knows why, runner up is the bloodsucking lawyer.
Most Precious Boy
Dennis Nedry, he was right.
The Daves I Know
Hardest Boy
Me, whom the fuck else would it be
Softest Boy
MJ
Most Precious Boy
Jess. You do not touch Jess at all, unless your intentions are pure.
Minnesota Aurora
Hardest Boy
Lest we think this is a sexist exercise, it is not. The hardest boy on Aurora is Kelsey Kaufusi.
Softest Boy
With apologies to my children, it’s Rory the Aurorasaurus.
Most Precious Boy
Cat Rapp, protect Cat Rapp at all costs, special shout out to Teeth herself Kristelle Yewah, she also should be protected at all costs.
Not actual dick-showing but close enough because we all know the Muscles from Brussels hangs a big hog.
Honestly it doesn’t take much to derail us at the bar on a weekend morning
Note, I do not appreciate feedback or criticism, get your own goddamn list.