When Toddlers are Elected, Treat them as such
The only person with a ZZ Top beard you should trust is a member of ZZ Top
Apologies to all who are here for strictly the soccers. This thing was originally started a while ago as a maybe compendium to a dumb soccer podcast, it has mostly stayed true to soccer but also diverged on occasion.
That being said, I am still gonna try to mostly write about soccer stuff here, but as I dove into therapy last year one of the things I figured out that I needed was a release valve for some (most) of my shit. I work through a lot of that shit on the Twitter dot com or on my ALT, follow at your peril.
However, I have discovered that I have a lot more words than whatever character limits Elan Mask eventually breaks twitter over.
So, here we are.
Let’s start with the football! Everton is getting relegated, Liverpool won’t qualify for Champions League and Arsenal somehow manages to win the league. Now that I got that shit out of the way let’s talk about some very disturbing people who are doing very typical things!
Nathan Wesenberg looks like the guy who, when you see him walking on the sidewalk a block away from you, you cross the street, even though it actually makes you 5 minutes late for your very important meeting. Nathan looks like a guy who definitely has an alibi for January 6, 2021.
Now I am not here to shame gentlemen with long-ass beards, lord knows I have rocked one or two of those in my life, plus I have long-bearded friends. I am here to shame science deniers and ZZ Top cosplayers, of which Nato here is definitely a member of both.
But, David, you might say if you were physically interacting with a Substack thing you voluntarily signed up for. This guy was elected by his constituents, in fact, he beat two established lawmakers with bonafides (shitty though they may be), he clearly represents the will of the people. To which I say, sure, yeah, that’s fine. If the wonderful people of Morrison County and Bemidji generally want a toddler to represent them, well, then, we should treat the needs and requests of Morrison County and Bemidji generally the way we treat toddlers. And boy howdy, I have experience with toddlers.
Bemidji needs state government help. Cool. I remember the Republicans fucking over Saint Paul and Minneapolis for… reasons.1 Serious people deserve serious consideration. Unserious people do not deserve any of your time. This is not a hard concept. In fact, it is one I employ with my toddlers, 4 and 2.75 (I refuse to do months).
When my child(ren) don’t want to do something that needs to be done I acknowledge their feelings, explain to them why they are wrong and then wait for them to come along to the adult’s way of thinking. Sometimes (often) there is nothing but wailing, crying, laments of murder, cats screeching, etc. Do you know what you do? You wait that shit out because eventually, they forget why they were so upset about a thing they had no reason to be upset about.
However, our friend Nate up above is a particular case. He will not be silenced because he believes “he’s right” and therein lies the ultimate toddler conundrum. There is literally nothing you can do to dissuade this idiot (or your toddler) of their terrible opinion (Jingle Bells is a terrible song children and please stop singing it at the top of your lungs in the car). So in this moment we just need to disengage. I know, it’s really hard, but you just need to ignore the CHUDS, including toddlers (don’t worry your kids should theoretically grow up to be non-CHUDS, assuming you yourself are not a CHUD).
The case for ignoring your children2
They are loud.
They are just saying shit that makes no sense.
They want dessert without actually eating their meal.
They refuse to share things.
They keep using the same hymnal3
Oh wait is that a toddler or some politician blowhard comparing COVID Vaccines to death shots? Well, in that case, fuck that guy.
Reasons: They hate cities, for no particular reason. Crime. That’s where I got my abortion so I hate that city.
Only ignore your children if they are douchebag elected officials who believe in the same shit Scott Jensen does.
Seriously Ragnar and Clara please learn another song, Let it Go is great but daddy might just drive off the road.