The Most Meh Movie Ever
WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU MAKING A STUPID DRACULA MOVIE
I have had many terrible ideas in my life. I once thought I could possibly be a doctor. CHEM1011 at the University of Saint Thomas dissuaded me of the notion. I’ve also had many ideas about movies, tv shows, music videos2, etc.
Alas, I am not a visually creative person. I’ve come to terms with that, unlike a lot my fellow X-ennials. Natasha Kermani is one of those. I’m not sure if Shudder greenlit this out of obligation, or because of a contract, but I can’t think a reason why they should, other than obligation.
The story here is ripe. Abraham Van Helsing and his kids. In California. Awaiting Vampires. Who have traversed the United States. To kill the man who killed Dracula.
How in the fuck is this not making a billion dollars?
Easy. No one has the strength to murder people. Titus Welliver (who I like as an actor) is a dud. The sons are also nothing. The climactic scene sees someone get beheaded and the person that benefited from it, recoil in disgust. Maybe that’s the point, maybe we should all recoil in disgust.
The problem, as I see it, is that their is a good movie here. And this is what I was thinking. Van Helsing, retired to California, murdered by a vampire and then the kids go.
This movie has literally zero vampires. The ultimate villain is Van Helsing, which, makes sense, from a certain point of view. And it is literally the stupidest movie I’ve seen in years. It is easily the most meh.
There is a reason this got a one week run at the IGH AMC, the deposit of things that need a screen. Also the reason I have my AMC A-List!
The fact that I had to take this class at 8 am immediately before BIOL101 is the reason, funnily enough about 15 years later this shit ass school tried to start their own medical school. It failed.
Music videos are things that used to appear on the Music TV Network (MTV).