I saw 16 films in a theater in 2023, herein I will rank those movies from worst to best!
I will caveat things here by saying that I love going to the movies, I also love going to the movies by myself, which my lovely wife happily obliges. But, since I am not a fucking monster I see most of the saw most of these movies late at night, like the late showings, because I want to be at the house when my children are going to bed. Some day I hope to share my love of film with my children (my wife hates going to the movie theater). Perhaps that will be a thing I can share with my kids, Anna gets being responsible, strict rules, and maths, and I get film.
Anywho, here are all of the films I have seen in theaters in 2023 ranked from best to worst!
16. Renfield (4/20) – My god, this movie is hot garbage. On the bright side, I was high as shit for this film. On the less bright side, it didn’t help.
15. Cocaine Bear (2/24) – I had high hopes, I know, for a reunion of actors from one of my all-time favorite television shows, The Americans, and it disappointed more than one could imagine, especially for a movie called Cocaine Bear. The only redeeming subplot is a bear, high on cocaine, killing some Norwegians, sorry Norwegians.
14. Ant-Man & the Wasp Quantumania (2/17) – I was never fully in on Ant-Man as a main character in the MCU. (Possibly because I always wondered what might have been with Edgar Wright) So I’ve seen the other two Ant-Man & Wasp film(s), maybe once or twice, these films never got into the rewatch rotation for MCU films. But as a (mostly) completist (I confess I have never watched the Eternals and you can’t pay me enough money1 to watch that shit) MCU mark I went into this one with (stupidly) high hopes. Loki (the Disney+ TV series) had semi-introduced the new main villain Kang (Jonathan Majors) and I love a lot (not all) of the Kang storylines from the comics so this seemed like it couldn’t lose. And then, it lost. The VFX were hot garbage, Majors was not bad in the movie (but has since been proven to be a bad person), Michael Douglas and (the always smoking hot) Michele Pfeiffer mailed it in, the plot was distracted by itself and a cardinal sin for any movie, it wasted a Bill Murray cameo (also probably not a super great dude).
13. Next Goal Wins (11/17) – This might be the film I have spent the most time talking about with people (mostly people who have not seen it) to try and figure out how I feel about it. NGW is based on a documentary (with the same name), based on a true story, adapted by Taika Waititi. Now, based on that descriptor your mileage may vary. The story of American Samoa soccer is a wonderful soccer story and as a fan of the game, one that needs to be heard. The “Waititi” of it, leaves a bit to be desired, but it is not overwhelming. Fassbender is an odd choice in the comedic role of an actual real-life person I’ve yelled obscene shit at, Thomas Rongen (RIP NASL Tampa Bay Rowdies). The story of the team and fa'afafine player Jaiyah Saeluah (the first trans person) to play in a World Cup qualifier is absolutely one that soccer/futbol/fussball/football fans should seek out and learn.
12. The Marvels Imax 2D (11/9) – The one (and only2) thing that COVID did was fuck up the rollout of Phase 4 and hence Phase 5 of the MCU. Lest we forget Captain Marvel, released between Infinity War and Endgame grossed a billion dollars. But there were still a ton of incels and misogynists out there who didn’t like ladies with vaginas being the most powerful being in a made-up universe. Well, low and behold, the lady-haters are back and this time they have black and brown ladies to hate! Is the Marvels a great MCU movie, no. Is it a good MCU movie, yeah. Are there problems with this movie? Absolutely. First and foremost, the debacle of the MCU TV series Secret Invasion (which was probably supposed to take place after this film, but is canonically before it now (for some stupid reason & also thankfully barely addressed in the film). But Iman Vellani as Ms. Marvel is amazing (also amazing in the TV show of the same name) as are the other Marvels, Brie Larson and Teyonah Parris. The fight scenes and choreography are great, the story itself is a little convoluted, the soundtrack kicks ass and this is a perfectly fine MCU film.
11. The Machine (6/5) – I’m always curious about how many people know comedian Bert Kreischer. He’s a pretty famous comedian (and podcaster), most famously known for taking off his shirt, being named the hardest college partier in the country (back when he was at FSU), and for a bit3 called The Machine (the basis for the film). The movie is a recreation of the comedy bit (which is fucking hilarious) but there’s a catch, Bert and his dad (a wonderful Mark Hamill performance) need to go back to Russia and recreate his journey to find a thing, I don’t know. I laughed. This movie is stupid, but also stupidly funny.
10. Ferrari (12/27) – No one has ever done a better communion race car show than Michael Fucking Mann. Adam Driver is once again playing an Italian4 with a terrible accent. Penelope Cruz is simultaneously vindictive and vixen and I appreciate so much more when she is playing around in her native language (which she is mostly doing here). Shailene Woodley is barely trying to affect an Italian lilt. Ultimately though the film is a glorified and deified car crash, which, to be fair, is every Michael Mann movie at this point.
9. Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3 3D (5/4) – After the Ant-Man debacle I came into this film with slightly lowered expectations. The expectations were not only met but wildly exceeded. While I am a fairly consistent MCU mark, the Guardians were and always will be hit-or-miss with me. Volume 1 is a Top 7 MCU film for me, and Volume 2, is closer to the bottom of the list. I think this might be a James Gunn issue, in that some Gunn is good, but just letting Gunn do his thing without any borders it gets weird. In the first GOTG film, Gunn was working in the MCU machine. The second, he was given carte blanche and the third he was wrangled back in because he had announced he was taking over the DCU. I think James Gunn needs a proper editor. The origin story of Rocket brought me to tears multiple times. Chukwudi Iwuji as the High Evolutionary is a masterclass in acting and Linda Cardellini (pulling double-duty in the MCU) as Lylla breaks your heart. This is definitely not a Top Ten MCU film, but it shows that Marvel can still produce a good, fun film if their creatives are allowed to not just walk, but run.
8. Napoleon (11/22) – I will admit, I was super stoked for a Ridley Scott movie about Napoleon. I mean, it’s motherfucking Ridley Scott (Alien, Blade Runner, Gladiator, Thelma and Louise, American Gangster). Let’s just say this movie has amazing action sequences. Like just go watch the movie for these! Vanessa Kirby is fucking electric as Empress Joséphine and but for another person on this list could win Best Actress. Joaquin Phoenix is mid as Napoleon and I’m 75% positive that is a Ridley problem, not a Joaquin problem. I’ll be interested to watch the Ridley Scott cut that shows up on Apple TV sometime in 2024 (which I assume will be much better).
7. Wonka Imax 2D (12/14) – The movie that I did not know, nay vehemently assumed, I did not need, because Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is a perfect film. We get an amazing story about Charlie Bucket and his sad sack life (all the while alluding to Willy Wonka), but we don’t see Wonka until almost an hour into the movie. And when we see WW, what does he do? He lies to us, or does he? You never truly know (and honestly that is the point of the film, the Roald Dahl book, not so much) where Wonka is telling the truth or stretching the truth. That all being said, the Depp film from 2005 tried to give Wonka a backstory, that was, canonically weird, and super depressing, in the mostly faithful adaptation of the Dahl book (which Gene Wilder’s version of Wonka was not fully faithful to). But the point here is that movies (and television for that matter) do not need to be 100% faithful to their origin story, lord, knows Cocaine Bear wasn’t. Long story short here Wonka was great! It’s a musical! With Olivia Coleman and Hugh Grant as a fucking Oompa Loompa, and Paterson Joseph and Matt Lucas. Just go have fun with a fucking musical!
6. Asteroid City (6/22) – Ever since I left this movie I have been trying to figure out where I place it in the Wes Anderson hierarchy. I really, really, really liked most of it, but was put off just enough. I literally cannot put my finger on what it is about the film that just put me off. If I can figure that out it might catapult this into a Top Three WA movie for me. As it is, a Top Five, you do get to see Scarlett Johansson’s boobs though5.
5. Spider-Man Across The Spider-Verse Imax 2D (6/1) – Just. Absolutely. Stunning. This is how you do a multiverse movie. A couple of the most beautiful performances of the year between Shameik Moore and Hailee Steinfeld. Also, low-key the best Jason Schwartzman performance of the year. The only frustrating thing about this movie… needing to wait until 2025 to see the conclusion.
4. Barbie (7/20) – Cut this pink shit and put it straight into my veins. I can’t wait to show this movie to my Barbie-loving son! The opening third is visually stunning and magnificent, the middle third drags a bit, specifically due to a Mattel subplot that was probably much funnier in writing than it was in execution, and the final third is simultaneously funny and heart-wrenching. Also, this movie is currently on HBO Max and has an ASL version. If you have Max, do me a favor and watch the ASL version, even if just as background noise. Gotta juice those numbers so Max does more stuff like this.
3. Oppenheimer Imax 2D (7/21) – I took the afternoon off of work after a Thursday night showing of Barbie to watch this movie in the biggest theater I could. I watched it mid-day and I was absolutely riveted. I think a big theme of this list is that most of the directors here I have an interesting relationship with, in that I love a lot of their stuff and don’t like (or am generally ambivalent about) the rest of their work. The fact that a three-hour film about physics and building an atomic bomb made a billion dollars (in this climate) is fucking amazing. I would highly encourage watching, but more importantly, listening to this film in the best possible audio/visual space you can find. If you need to watch at home, send the kids to Grandma’s turn off all your lights, and rocket the TV volume to 100.
2. Killers of the Flower Moon (10/20) – The one director I don’t have a convoluted relationship with is Scorsese. He is not a young man anymore and every film should be appreciated for what it is, possibly his last. Which if this is the last thing Scorsese ever does, he goes out with a bang. Scorsese gets back together with muses Robert De Niro and Leonardo DiCaprio to adapt the David Grann book, Killers of the Flower Moon. Scorsese does a great job adapting the book, taking the perspective away from the federal agent, played by Jesse Plemons, to the Osage people themselves, more specifically Mollie Burkhart, played by future best actress nominee Lily Gladstone. Jason Isbell steals the show and while DiCaprio is a little one-note, that is kinda the point of his simple character. The ending, in which Scorsese steps out in media res, to wrap up the story is at the same time simple and beautiful.
1. Poor Things (12/22) – Contrary to every other director here, Yorgos Lanthimos has never made a film I haven’t loved, loathed, and immersed myself in. Frankenstein meets Pygmalion meets Buster Keaton. Emma Stone is often given short-shrift for her dramatic work, everyone knows she can be funny, but HOLY FUCK, what Emma Stone does here is nothing short of incredible. Her physical acting is without a peer. She does a thing here that is beyond compare, embracing so much life and wonder, that I wonder if this is her apex mountain. Oh yeah, there are also a couple of dudes in this film too. Willem Defoe is fucking great as “God” win, Ramy Youssef is wonderful too as a lovelorn doctor, but Mark Ruffalo steals the show (only from the dudes, Stone is the centerpiece here) as a presumably English cad named Duncan Wedderburn. This is the best movie I saw in 2023 in theaters. Full fucking stop!
You can probably pay me enough money.
Literally, the only thing it did. COVID did not do or screw up anything else, ever.
MY WA Rankings (as of 1/1/24)
Life Aquatic
Royal Tenenbaums
Rushmore
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Asteroid City
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The French Dispatch
Moonrise Kingdom
Bottle Rocket
The Darjeeling Limited
Isle of Dogs
* Not ranked his 2023 Netflix shorts